In the interest of raising awareness about mental illness, and to further contextualize this blog, I have decided to write a little bit about schizophrenia. I am a diagnosed schizophrenic, although most people can’t tell when they talk to me briefly because I am lucid, medicated, and - as of this writing - in remission. I am not entirely symptom free, nor am I cured, but my mental health is very good, with a very positive prognosis.
Schizophrenia is a common disorder, with one person out of one hundred people in the United States suffering from some form of the illness. They sometimes tell me I have schizoaffective disorder, a type of schizophrenia that includes a mood disorder, meaning that in addition to hallucinations, delusions, anxiety and paranoia, I also experience mania and depression. This is not to be confused with bipolar disorder, although the two illnesses are similar in some ways they are differentiated by the length of time spent in psychotic states.
I am now recovering from spending six years in a constant swirl of psychosis and a mess of manic mood swings. During this time I was blogging, communicating, and trying to lead as normal a life as possible. When I think about what I was thinking about during that time, I am impressed that I made such a good effort, but I am very thankful the symptoms have passed. I am also sorry if I acted confused or distant, I was.
Like most schizophrenic males, I was diagnosed at the age of twenty-one after my first psychotic break. I have experienced two periods of healthy remission where I worked and played and generally carried on like I was cured forever and could never get sick again. In both instances I was taken off of medication, relapsed, was hospitalized, and generally became a real pain to be around. Every time I have been sick it has taken longer for me to return to full functioning.
To be fair, I cannot speak for all people with this illness, but I can tell you I am very gentle, with a complete personal loathing for guns and gun violence. The recent shootings in Arizona, and subsequent news articles about mental illness, sadden and confuse me. I cannot tell you with any sincerity that people with this illness are any more or less violent than the healthy population, all I can do is serve as an example of a harmless, nonviolent schizophrenic. I think it is fair to say that I am afraid of the healthy population because of their interest in shooting and killing others, just as I am afraid of my own support for the war in the middle east. Why healthy people and schizophrenics share this conviction that it is okay to kill the right people is a complicated question.
Since I am not a threat to myself or others, (except in a theoretical pro-war sense), I am fortunate to live at home, with my parents, and with only cursory supervision. I work on my writing and I volunteer, but I am cautious about returning to a work environment for fear that I will experience another relapse. When I do relapse I am tremendously difficult to be around and I do not want to put my parents through this again. Also, if I were to relapse, it is likely I would be sick for even longer than last time. I personally don’t think I could handle another six years or more of psychosis. I hope my contributions are acceptable, but I struggle with this issue of work all the time.
I don’t think I will go into what it is like to hallucinate, or be paranoid, or have delusions. Let it be enough that such experiences are not fun and I do not understand why anyone would want to feel altered in any way anymore. Feeling sane and sober is such a joy to me that I recommend sobriety to all my friends, just as I recommend that everyone with any diagnosis of mental illness should take every pill they are prescribed. Why healthy and mentally ill people share in occasional enjoyment of altered states - with healthy people using drugs, and the mentally ill refusing to - is beyond my understanding once again.
If at times I seem flippant or insouciant when I joke about being a mad scientist, I am sorry. Humor is a great coping mechanism and I tell these jokes with self deprecation intended. If you are too crazy to take an occasional joke in these blogs, you might seek professional assistance.
I am always open to answering any questions about my experience and knowledge of schizophrenia in greater depth, so please, do not feel hesitant to communicate. I write this blog not for sympathy, but in the purest interest of survival. Both the Germans and the Russians had a horrible record of destroying people with mental illness in the twentieth century, and while I struggle with whether I am being paranoid I cannot be silent in a day and age when my health care is threatened by those political forces who would have you believe national health care is bad for you in some way. The treatments for mental illness are better than ever, and I have a right to exist free from persecution and life threatening illness.
To balance out the paranoia, I want to say that I love my country very much, and I am extremely thankful for the excellent medications and care that I have received and continue to need. Thank you.
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